News
More Lifelong Learning
Tuesday, March 31st, 2020
Did you know that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime? This week’s timely topic that may help you in your role at a church or organization is domestic violence awareness.
All families face struggles and adversity together. Couples often disagree and have arguments. It’s a natural part of relationships.
That said, it’s easy to assume that families that go about their public lives and appear to interact well together have a happy home life. However, not all seemingly normal marriages and family lives are as happy as they may appear on the surface. Domestic violence is a secretive and widespread epidemic that affects marriages and families everywhere, regardless of age, race, ethnicity, gender, economic status, sexual orientation, or religious denomination.
No matter whether a situation involves physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, economic, or verbal violence, abusive behavior is never excusable—from anyone. As Mahatma Gandhi pointed out, “Any attempt to impose [one’s] will on another is an act of violence.”
Many violent relationships follow a predictable, cyclical pattern. The entire cycle may play out over the course of a day, perhaps weeks, sometimes months. Every relationship is different, and some will not follow this pattern, but rather will report a constant state of ongoing hostility and violence with little to no relief between violent episodes.
The cycle consists of three main parts:
- Tension building phase. Common, everyday dynamics that every couple goes through such as job woes, money, bills, and children will build up tension. Arguments and verbal abuse will begin. The victim will try to defuse the situation by placating the abuser and giving in to demands, but eventually, the tension will reach a tipping point and physical violence may erupt.
- Acute violent episode. A physically violent incident will typically be set into motion by the existence of some passing condition or event, or by the abuser’s emotional state, rather than by the victim’s behavior. The violent outburst will be unpredictable and will be nothing that the victim can control. Some experts say that in some cases, victims may subconsciously provoke the violence in order to release the tension so that the relationship can move on to the “honeymoon” phase.
- The honeymoon phase. The abuser will feel shame for his or her violent behavior, and may express remorse, attempting to downplay the incident. It’s not uncommon that he or she will blame the behavior on the victim. He or she may then become loving and kind, will apologize, and become generous and helpful around the house. He or she will attempt to convince the victim that the violence will never happen again. This seemingly remorseful and loving behavior will help renew the bond between the partners and often convinces the victim that there is no need to leave the relationship.
This cycle can continue over and over, sometimes for several years. The abuse may be horrific, but the affectionate attention and the promises for change during the honeymoon phase can perpetually give the victim the illusion that everything will resolve itself well.
This information has been excerpted from the CongregationU online course “Domestic Violence Awareness.” This 45-minute course can be purchased for just $12 per learner.